“The bravest thing I have ever done was continuing to live when I wanted to die.”
Dealing with depression and choosing to live; that takes strength. I laid there, curled up in a ball on the floor in an empty room, not wanting to live any longer, questioning life and why anything mattered at all. In tears, I seriously contemplated ending my life. Thoughts of my children flooded my mind. How could I leave them with those scars? How could I leave them with the unanswered questions of why their mother had taken her own life? My love for my children and the fear of creating a lifelong burden for them was greater than the pain I felt. The pain was temporary, and I knew it because I had felt it so many times before.
Battle of The Mind
Still, I laid there for a long time with a battle going on within my mind, the battle between feeling like I wanted to die and knowing that the feeling would pass eventually. Dealing with depression sucked but choosing to live was the only option.
Imagine falling into a deep, dark hole. You try to climb your way out because you can see shimmers of light above. However, as you start to climb, dirt falls into your eyes, and you lose sight of the light. Still, you continue to climb. It feels like you will never reach the top or get out of the hole, but the light is there, and your mind knows that if you continue to dig in and climb your way to the top eventually, you will make your way out.
Trusting in God
Aside from my children, I thought about God. Although I did not have a strong relationship with Him at the time, I still believed He existed. I prayed and talked to Him occasionally. I knew that HE did not want me to end my life. I instinctively knew because HE had comforted me so many times before. HE must have a plan for me. I could not go on living like this and struggling for the rest of my life, could I?
I questioned everything as I lay there. I questioned all of the decisions I had made in my life up to that point. I questioned my worth. I questioned the very thought of existence in general. I questioned God. I questioned love. In those moments, nothing about life made much sense to me.